When my three-year-old daughter started attending day care last fall, she glared at her teachers and classmates throughout the day, uttering not a single word. Over the course of the school year she relaxed her stance somewhat. She played with the toys in the room and eventually (four months into the year) consented to eat her lunch and use the potty there. She enjoyed going to class and excitedly gave me the news of the day when we returned home each day. When school ended in June, I bade a fond farewell to the place. My daughter, however, said nothing. Although she talks non-stop at home and has clear, articulate speech, she maintained her stubborn silence for the entire 10 months of school.
When we faced a new year in a brand new preschool, I was desperate to help my little girl to adjust more quickly and maybe, oh please, to talk in school. I spoke with some veteran preschool teachers and a psychologist about easing the transition for timid toddlers like mine.

Getting Ready

Teacher Lisa DeGloria recommends visiting the new school several times before starting, for an hour or two. "Then visit again, but leave her alone for an hour while you leave the room," Lisa says.
Psychologist Cynthia Goins agrees. "Go in and talk to the teacher, so they become a familiar and friendly person," adds Dr. Goins. Beginning school in a strange place with all new people can be very scary.
Preschool teacher Rebecca McCoy suggests talking to a child about the new school in glowing terms. "Always speak positively and enthusiastically about the new school, no matter how you might feel personally about it, the schedule, the travel time, or whatever. Your daughter will probably start wondering what it is that makes you so happy and start looking for that in her new school as well."
The teachers agreed that children pick up on their parents’ negative feelings, so avoid imparting your own anxieties and worries about the experience to your child.
Kids who do feel anxious about an upcoming change feel better when they know what to expect. Dr. Goins suggests playing school with your child, including whatever types of activities happen at school, "so they know what it’s going to be like."

The First Few Days

Once school begins, a full day might be too much at first. Lisa encourages parents to work their kids up to it. "For example, leave at lunch the first day, then before nap, then after nap," until the child can comfortably tolerate the whole day.
"One of the biggest mistakes parents make" Lisa continues, "is saying goodbye, then not leaving, making it obvious that the parent feels guilty or uncomfortable."
Rebecca echoes the thought. "As far as goodbyes go, you have to be firm. Squat down or kneel at their eye level. Tell your daughter that you love her very much, that it’s time for you to go to work, and that you will be back to pick her up."
Children can learn to tell "time" by their schedule. Let your child know that you will pick them up after nap, afternoon snack, or whatever milestone happens just before you arrive.
When the school day is over, your child deserves a pat on the back. Dr. Goins recommends hearty praise. Tell them "You did a good job at school! It may have been scary, but you did it!" Toddlers like to be "big kids." Let kids know how proud you are that they are growing up and going to school.

Special Concerns

But what about not talking? Lisa says "I have had children who preferred not to speak, and as long as you are certain your daughter does not have any language issues, I would not be concerned. The important thing is whether she is enjoying herself."
Dr. Goins chimes in, "I wouldn't push it just yet, she's still pretty little." Children may use speaking --or not-- to assert themselves. "You don't want it to become a big power struggle to the point where she doesn't want to be at school," she continues. "Just encourage her."
Armed with good advice, I will soon march into preschool with my little one and say a brave goodbye. We will both try not to cry.